Sunday, November 13, 2011

Sobering Realization

I hesitated to write this post because I'm embarrassed by what happened to prompt this topic, but then if I didn't write, this would be disingenuous and not a true reflection of what's going on. I guess that's why they say that history is written by the victors -they can determine what to document and what to exclude. Anyway, that is a very long winded introduction to what has been on my mind today, which is a bit more serious than most posts I type out here.

Without going into too many (embarrassing) details, I went to a daytime wine event that turned into a drink-fest and I over indulged (to say the least). Before anyone calls DSS on me, Callan was well cared for under the watchful eye of a babysitter and I was not doing this over indulging while caring for him. But, I was over zealous to say the least and definitely not in any condition to care for my child (if I had to) and the sobering realization I had today was that how massively irresponsible that was of me. It's embarrassing enough to be a 30-something-year-old out drunk, but now that I'm a mom, more importantly Callan's mom, that is just unacceptable. I realize this and the more I think about it, the more embarrassed I get about it. What if something had happened to the babysitter and I had to go home or what if something happened to Huge and I had to be in charge after the event... there was no way that would have been possible. 

There was an article I read recently on and the author was commenting that a baby is supposed to cramp your style, but "Facebook photos of friends and acquaintances began to confirm what we'd suspected was happening to everyone but us: People with babies were getting on with their lives immediately". She talks about her isolation and confinement but, "if we were looking for other friends with babies to commiserate with our newfound hermitage, they were too busy on vacations overseas, out seeing new movies or taking their baby to Bonnaroo to be around for a quick chat."

I know we lucked out and Callan is a very easy baby and because of that we've been able to take him out and about with us, altering his schedule a little bit in order to accomplish whatever we have on tap for that day. I've prided myself on the fact that we take Callan out with us and our lives haven't changed too drastically since his arrival. Granted we don't go out as much as we used to, but at the age of 6 months, Callan has been to many, many restaurants, on multiple plane rides and to concerts in the park, but now I'm thinking maybe I'm doing this wrong... maybe I'm still clinging on to my former life a little bit -one that was childless and carefree and just cramming Callan into it? I don't know. I know I'm over thinking this and I should just chalk up yesterday to a lesson learned, no harm no foul... but for some reason I'm taking this one a bit rougher and it's making me think a bit harder. Maybe it's the realization that there is no "off duty" time when you become a parent... I've always said that I can handle the baby and toddler stage, but what freaks me out is thinking of being the parent to a teenager, but I certainly will be. I guess at that point I'll have many years of parenting experience under my belt and will be better equipped to handle it, but sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm an adult and now I'm responsible for another little human. I sometimes joke with Huge when our house is a disaster with laundry everywhere and dust you can see with the naked eye, that we need to start living like adults, but I wonder when do you feel like an adult? I can live with the fact that my life has changed and honestly, I wouldn't want to go back to my "old" life anyway -not when I have this:

1 comment:

  1. I've been told that that laid-backness goes away with the second child. With one, you can lug him around and he gets used to it pretty quickly. With two, lugging them around becomes so cumbersome that you don't do it as much and neither adapts well to it in consequence.

    That's what I've been told anyway....

    As for drinking, I know you feel guilty and irresponsible, but it was a one time thing and you were ready to learn from it. That sets you apart. I think at every stage of our lives, we do have to grow out of things, grieve some things and move towards other things and there's no shame in it as long as we're trying to progress and do what's best for those who depend on us.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. :)