Friday, August 13, 2010

Beginning Again

Today is the day I have been waiting for, after 3 long agonizing months where I was so focused and obsessed about it that I was driving myself crazy, finally the day has arrived. After all the negative tests when I finally got confirmation, I feel guilty that my first reaction wasn’t all over the moon job, but instead I was more, ok, but let’s see what the doctor says and let’s see what happens… The problem is that I’ve technically been here before. I’ve peed on the sticks and watched the two lines appear or the magical words “pregnant” appear, I’ve gone through the blood draws so I’m an old pro at this… the only problem is that I’ve never been past this point. The excitement and feeling of “oh my gawd, what the f” has already happened and that sweet innocence of finding out you’re pregnant for the first time has already been tainted for me. I KNOW that I can’t complain… I have friends/family who are struggling w/ infertility and have never felt that joy of peeing on a stick and finding out their whole world is about to change… and I KNOW that in the grand scheme of things, we (Huge and I) are in a good place… I KNOW that… I really do. But, I still need to confirmation that everything is going to be ok, that this baby and we are going to be ok. .I feel like I’m being a little self-indulgent with this mini-pity party I’m throwing myself, but I’d like to just think that I’m being cautious.

BUT, I don’t want to taint this experience because of the heartache and hopelessness I experienced after my first…. I want this to be my first and to enjoy and relish and remember the whole experience. So this is it –the beginning, which deserves it’s own announcement. I am pregnant!

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